YIKAIII

People

2012-01-07T00:52:00.001+08:00

Happy new year! :)

A month! Since I last blogged a post.

Because I was just thinking... who the fuck cares about this blog anyway? Haha, keeeeding, I know you are reading it :)
Someone will, somehow. I wonder, at a point like this, and of a blog like this - so emotional and nothing but the worst feelings about life - who would really take their time out to type out zhuangyikai.blogspot.com on their browser?

Hello reader/s, will you tell me who you are?

I scan the crowd. Who takes a second glance at someone like me?
I scan the crowd. I didn't take a second glance at anyone else, either.

People are everywhere, and they fill this space I want for myself with all the things I dislike. Do I dislike how they filled this space? Or do I dislike... people?

Am I unhappy about the life I'm leading now. Because of the people? Because of the things I do? Because of myself? What the fuck do I dislike?

Everything not good enough, everything not going your way. Everything also want to be depress about. Everything also say 'sian, again'. Everything is like everything.

How am I going to stop thinking that I think too much each time I really have been thinking a lot?
How am I going to stop thinking a lot?
How am I going to stop thinking?

Will I be able to walk out of this?

End; I mean it, will you tell me who?

Tired

2011-12-05T23:44:00.003+08:00

I

am

so

tired

these days.

No one's to blame, no one's to apologize.
The issue is, why am I so?
So tired?

It's not a passing feeling. I'm coming to think it's chronic. How come?

End; There is never enough sleep.

Heal

2011-11-20T00:00:00.005+08:00

Healing.

Time will do the healing, and so says everyone. I don't disagree :)

But what if... healing is an endless process? This word in everyone's mouth sounds like it will one day come to an end - when you are 'recovered'. What if it never?

You know, it's not a bad thing really. Why is being unrecovered a bad thing? Feeling damaged - you can only get better! At times, it's like waiting for the wound to heal in a way or the other. Then suddenly it just came across to me that, it kind of feels a little more settling to think that, maybe it has never been about healing, or waiting for it to heal. Else, it's really like a constant wondering of when, when, when. It was not meant to be.

Perhaps healing is an endless process. Why do you need to heal it anyway?

End; It's all about 'waiting' again, isn't it?

Where, What, Who

2011-11-02T00:04:00.004+08:00

It's been a while! Since I posted (:

Because I have been taking a lot off my mind, with the start of internship and work. Rather fulfilling, and pretty occupying too. Not the kind of enjoyment as contentment; but the kind of enjoyment as I-have-things-to-do. Looking at a lot of things from new perspectives and at the same time knowing a lot of people with variant novel and old feelings. Many, many things to think about.

The wooden planks on the office floor has been treating me far too well. I'm happy.

Still, the missing piece in my own journey is still - at this moment - missing. Haha... DUH. I really can't figure what is it that is not around here, not around me. I guess I have to search, and wait or even explore. Where, what, who are you?

End; I only found the picture after writing the post.

Hang on!

2011-10-11T14:59:00.006+08:00

If there is one thing I really hate: it's got to be (you)

(You) who never return the message
and always ever so insenstive to take your own sweet time
or very inconsistent about respsonses.

I so deserve better
than these moments of literal "hanging around"
by myself without any stimulating reactions.

Everyone is doing it - (you) are all doing it
but anyone who cares for me should not
and shall never.

This is where.
This is where I draw the line
Don't blame me for my tough call, (you) all created that
out of me.

All.
All of you.

End; "You've got a message"

Invisibly Circular

2011-10-07T01:04:00.006+08:00

O Y O Y.
Oh why Oh why.

I've been living in a circle with you but it had been a fun maze.
I wake up this way and I go to bed that way, as usual.
I forgive you and I love you.
Then I expect you and I hate you.
And again I will forgive you and I will love you.
Well, maybe then I will expect you less and I hate you less.
Yes, oh yes, now I will really forgive you and I will really love you.
Hey, but somewhat, I go... Really? Seriously.
Oh why, oh why?
And somehow I find my way back to hate you.

It's not that it hasn't been fun.
It's not that it hasn't been touching.
But as thrilling the ride can be,
we and I always see ourselves back in the same sphere.
Baby, I no longer enjoy sauntering in rounds of thoughts.
I get dizzzy, I get confused.
I get so tired.

Milo no longer cure me.
Sitting on the sofa at night doesn't help me.
Chocolate is now bitter to me.

I'm no different.
I guess I destroyed the magic.
There, the one I have verbally explained but non-verbally promised.

I will have to fry myself on the bed for 2 hours.
Again and every night.
I'm tired of not being.

But you know what's the best part?
I write this post and I will.
Go back.
To forgiving you.

And so.
Circle and circle and circle and circle...

End; I love you, baby.

Light

2011-10-04T19:51:00.006+08:00

As ourselves; as who we are,
We will always seek light.
But as times, needs and feelings change; as what they are,
Light will blaze from a different source.

Technologies have change to the human brains, and so will feelings change to the human heart. But we will always seek light.

End; are we meant to be alone?

War and Beauty

2011-09-27T19:30:00.004+08:00

the story in the drama has 3 characters.

the reality in my drama has 3 friends.

1: I'll take no effort to hide my dejection, and only time I will do so is when faced under authority, pressure or insignificant others. I had to learn the hardest pieces of life in one shot and that triggered me to remove the knife from my back and harpoon it against others, to regain what I have once lost. But I am not heartless. I am grey.

2: I gather the most experiences and spend my time thinking the most, alone. Planning, strategising and interpreting things: I take pride in them and these are the weapons I possess to tackle against those who have lost me my treasure. I look too nice to be true. But I still have conscience. I am purple.

3. I think least. Yet, I'm not stupid for I can create destruction no one can save - once my button is pushed. Cheerful is my staple mood, but I also question its purpose as an image or it is as genuine. I have all sorts of emotions flying across. But I just want somebody to friend. I am orange.

War and Beauty.

End; you two/too should watch it

Absence

2011-09-21T21:57:00.008+08:00

It is definitely missing. Something is definitely missing.
Yet, whatever That is missing didn't mean it had once been around or it had been there.
To me, it was never around nor was it here before - I just pretended it has always been around or it has always been present.
Alas, the day doesn't exist without the night while black cannot be seen without the appearance of white.
Then how can I say something is definitely missing without it's attendance in the first place?
Beneath the above cliche, I say I do not have It but I am only aware of my lack because It resides itself in many others.

I am missing what others have.

'Having it all along' was a pretence I have become used to - so used to an extent I began to believe it's genuineness.
Something is definitely missing because I came to realize it's absence, rather than it's disappearance.

End; Missing does not mean disappearing.

Balancing

2011-09-06T00:32:00.003+08:00

Prepare: myself for some imbalance that will be coming up soon enough. But as with many other shocks and surprises, you always wish you are more prepared.

In case: I be squashed by the tremendous effort of feeling left out, forgotten or neglected. I know who's good at it, but so am I - in one way or the other. Perhaps that's why I can withstand the pressure.

Trying to: strike the balance that can last us for as long as we can. but as both of us would agree - how can a relationship be lasting?

Taking: a step at a time, but keeping in mind how much we really did, do and will care for each other.

End; Thinking of this chinese quote.

Night Lights

2011-09-04T22:50:00.006+08:00

Took a spontaneous trip down to Night Festival 2011's Night Lights! Just thought I might show some pictures here :)

Well, thought of blogging this because of the 'way' the family visited these 8 installations. It's just how amazing we spontaneously decided to go after dinner, and right before we leave, we quarelled and gave each other faces. And we came back to laughter in the car again. Then the 3 of them got tired, and I got quite angry because after all they were the ones who cajoled me here in the first place! And... laughters on the car again - till back at home.

Hehe, just how did we do that?

And look! I found my box at the exhibit at NMS, so happy when I did! Can't find Seah's or Toh's though :(

End; I have a family to love.

Love(d)

2011-08-31T01:18:00.005+08:00

Does anyone forgets why you love(d) someone?

At an hour like this - 1.19am, I am lying on the sofa in the dark and I wonder why I have loved so many people and why I have, sometimes, decided not to. I have forgotten why I loved you to make myself promise a thing or two I'd never done for anyone else. And that! having being reminded by myself repeatedly why I may not and should not. Tonight, I am reminded again why I shouldn't have promised those one thing or two to myself. But I know I loved you and I still do.

But it is tonight; it is night like this I have forgotten why I had loved, should love and still love.
What was it that made me promised myself to you?

I am not afraid to admit an unloving nature out of myself. So when I feel I do, I mean I do.

I love you, I really do. But why?

Love which needs reminders - so does it still expresses what it's name connote?

End; there are so many, so many (you's) in this paragraph mixed together

Freedom

2011-08-24T12:34:00.002+08:00

Freedom.

Yesterday the last paper of my years in dadp marked the end of... school life! Congratulations, oh celebrations~

Well, so yes. Your chance is here, to settle the many other stuff you have not. Sigh, here we go!!

Freedom, like the bird (:

End; Everything is a dilemma.

I do love

2011-08-22T02:37:00.007+08:00

There are four people and a crowd.

People
1. I love you and I had meant no harm.
2. Sorry if I had pushed too hard, but we aren't really anything else now.
3. I'd like to love you for the right reasons.
4. I miss you, but please love me back, first.

Crowd

5. I didn't wish you love to feel so, but really, I have never walked away.

End; I do love, I do.

Games aren't

2011-08-06T02:05:00.003+08:00

ZZZ

At some point in a game, things can get a little boring. Then the game will seize it's function already. I suppose it's really time I be a little more serious about people and myself. Seriously! I need some serious scolding!

You selfish fool.

Boy, you will be a challenge and I hope I can overcome hateful definition I have on myself right now. Game ends soon enough, so I'll be serious and I hope we last. It's really... quite my choice now. Boy, please make a difference in me. It really comes as quite a shock that I suddenly have the power to make change in this bond. Quite enjoying the control, but suffering from the withhold. Boy, please make a difference in me. You may and you may not, I'm uncertain. But please do.

Games aren't meant to last.

End; Friends are.

Please bring me back

2011-08-05T00:42:00.003+08:00

Changed my blog name to Undiluted Indulgence.

Yea, I can already imagine changing it soon. Aiya, for the mean time lor. Because I have totally left out the quaint tinge to my blog, so it ain't so Quaintly True anymore.

Sigh, life is so tainted with dark emotions and I'm indulging every moment of it. Things have happen and life has changed. A shocking reaction of an old friend make me realize what inside me have changed and what outside me have developed. An innocent remark of a new friend make me characterize myself differently- again - but with a dilemma of gladness and guilt. I'm glad where I've made myself travelled to, but occassionally I'm thankful I've not stepped too far and remained in the category I used to be. But only with certain groups of people. My stereotype has changed and hurray feels like so, but boohoo feels more real at times.

Someone, please bring me back.

Where I didn't use to have to think about this - changing and undoing.

End; But of course, if anyone reaches out a hand to bring me back... I won't take it.

I just smirked

2011-08-03T00:07:00.008+08:00

Finally on the seats of our favourite movie - when did a date with you become so hard to arrange? I was tall on my seat, but we sat through the film in a sense of silence, which I used to enjoy. Because I always hated disturbance. Yet, it's strange to hear you too quiet today. Here it comes, the perfect moment galvanized me to turn and face you in return for the same look of excitement. There you go, texting away on your phone and not realizing that special part of the film is rolling; not noticing I've turned to you. What is so important and who matters so on the other side of the phone? As I slowly eyed back onto the screen, the movie humour in me faded with the ghost of a smirk.

This has always been a game I played on my own, where I claimed both winning and losing. I am the winner of my own defeat, and you never did abide by the rule for you have never realized your position in this game. Disappointment is an inaccurate description.

The other you who has always been there have turned invisible on the sight of someone... else. No one has punched a hole in me or harpooned a stick through me, but still I walked away with a smile I didn't know whether I meant. Disappointment is the right word.

I just smirked.

End; Because there isn't a better emotional expression than that.

**by the way readers, this is fictional.**

Love love

2011-07-30T00:53:00.004+08:00

I bring back the ability to tell everyone what is:

infatuated, liking, loving.

And falling slightly away from the spectrum: wanting.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

But really, Love is not a game and it cannot be played.
It is really simple to begin with and it still is.
Admist the fun, don't forget that love has it purest, happiest meaning and the other harsh reality you recall is but an overdose, or undermine, of it.

Love love,
you will not regret.

End; Love for its sake.

But promises

2011-07-26T23:29:00.004+08:00

"I will and I can give you anything and everything.
But promises."

End; Life of ambiguity.

寂

2011-07-17T01:27:00.008+08:00

寂
Sole

End; It's not about you or anyone else, it's about me.

2011-07-14T01:26:00.002+08:00

Without being too aware, you come to a stop.
But the sudden pause sees you continuing a walk instead.
"You stopped waiting, eventually."

Always

2011-07-03T00:14:00.006+08:00

I have to thank the rushing deadlines of exam or presentation or work, that pushes me to think the most seriously about things. Always, I'll put down my work and ponder about life, love and friends. Fuck it, who cares about work at this troubled point? Still, I really need to get them done - studying, writing, reading up or whatever. Okay, so give myself 15min... 130am, we'll get back to work and chuck the sixes and sevens away. You force the most out of yourself, and reflection always turn out unexpectedly settling, enlightening and uplifting. Always get the chance to sort of my thoughts before I get cracking with school.

It might even be the worst thoughts, the final, final point of realization that life doesn't always happen the way you want it. Arh, it's not going to happen that way. Ghost of a smirk, hmmph. Yet, it's still so deeply treasured - the reflections you get and made. Always, at this ungodly hour in front of my psychology textbook, that you can take things in stride. So very 潇洒; so very calmly. As if the past weeks or months of dejection has been left aside as easy as the way you leave your double cheeseburger wrapper on the restaurant table. Bin it away!

Wake up in the morning, take a deep sigh, and a new day it is! Always more refreshing and very much more settled than the past few hours and days. I don't hear my heartbeat anymore.

Always, it has never been good answers you are looking for. It is sorted answers, clear answers that you appreciate the most because that makes your choice and your decision.

Like a lightbulb. Always lit but always brings me a-ha moments that makes me ...

thankful for the eyes to think and the mind to see.

End; A little more settled than before, but still not.

Candles Blown

2011-07-01T11:23:00.001+08:00

Candles blown,
spirit gone with the wind.

End; Hope not :)

Goldren Rays

2011-06-26T16:19:00.006+08:00

Shit.
I might be thinking that the Sun shines out of your backside.
Again.
Reminder: the golden rays comes from the sky.

End; Also quite glad I'm softer now.

有沒有

2011-06-23T20:51:00.010+08:00

Fits me at this point.

也许没有承诺比较轻松

也不会有沈重的枷锁

Turn off your favourite song,
just like there's nothing wrong

也许时间一久就会遗忘
就真的当是误会一场

End; Ironied.

Love is a poem

2011-06-21T22:25:00.008+08:00

Love is a poem

That's why most poems are about love.

It needs so little speaking,
but it means so much.

It if fluent,
yet it takes effort to smooth it out.

It's words rhyme like the perfect match,
and there are still so much which is which.

It galvanizes the most curious fantasies,
also not forgetting harder truths and tougher beliefs.

It arouses even the most undersirable emotions,
still it draws you in
till escaping becomes cheating death.

Poem /ˈpoʊ.əm/ noun [ C ]
a piece of writing in which the words are arranged in separate lines,
often ending in rhyme, and are chosen for their sound
and for the images and ideas they suggest

Separate lines, Perfect rhymes, Ideal imaginations.
That is love, that is poem.
Poem performs having loved and being loved,
and often leave itself off with no defined ending.

End; Are you in poem?

For Being

2011-06-19T13:45:00.008+08:00

For being my favourite Dad.

Recently, I had an interesting (but light-hearted, no worries) argument with my Papa about addressing each other. He complaint that I do not call him 'pa' whenever I reach home or he reaches home, which is absolutely true that I do not adopt this habit as I think it (very) silly. He's not fuming la, but I suppose he just prefers that warm, childish welcome after a tough day's work. Haha. And my point of rebuttal is that - I really don't have to call 'pa' to address him or as a sign of I know you are there, ahoy there! and that on the other end, children of other families who do "pa, I'm home (tada!)" doesn't mean they truly practised so called Respect. Saying doesn't always means meaning.

Today is Father's Day. And this post is dedicated to him. He's not the world's greatest Dad, but he's my favourite Dad - which practically makes things much more significant and sensible. I will never want the world's greatest Dad; I just want my favourite Dad.

Well, yes you are right - it's not as if I have a whole collection of Dads to choose from. But only because I don't need that to own a collection to know that I have already gotten my favourite papa.

Thank you, pa.
For being a loving father.

I always, always say your greatest trait of being a father, a son and a husband is knowing how to Respect. Yes, I'll illustrate this again. I'm very grateful you always allowed me to take the path I want; and so unfortunately these paths often fall under deeds you'd disagree to. In primary schools - several occassions ranging from the times I insisted on singing for the Mooncake Festival to taking part in the National Drama Competition - all against your disagreement. You looked all unsupported for the drama competition during primary 6 year and did not come to watch. But you came to fetch me home that night. We grabbed the champion! And don't lie. You are proud of me, haha! Not forgetting, the biggest 'threshold' you have ever overcame is probably me coming to DADP - a totally 没前途 diploma course. Pressured by family and practically just anyone around us, you handed me the ticket to a polytechnic and gave up your chance to boast having a VJC son. Still, we really didn't give so much of a damn to what others have to say. Yet it is the choice you made

against your own will

that struck me most. It's really unfair for you, I know. I'm sorry for being unfair, but I'm not sorry for making that choice. Apologies again, but I can tell you this is just the beginning. These things, these dilemmas, these crossroads will be back and back for more cycles of wounding and healing. Hmm, I can already count the issues we're going to talk about next (shh, secret). And I'm only 19 at this stage!

But this is not about me, back to you. It never crossed my mind to regret finding myself in this family of four. Unlike what you mention too often, no, I don't find the low income you bring a hindrance. I don't hate you for that. So stop being sorry about it, for I don't need bells and whistles. I will only thank you for giving me this small family whom I love and whom I trust. Who is more than enough for me. Thank you

For being my favourite Dad.

To mine, and to yours: Happy Father's Day!

End; Man, my first word as a baby wasn't 'papa'.

2011-06-19T00:31:00.002+08:00

I'm so jealous you have me.

Pink Dot

2011-06-18T01:22:00.012+08:00

oh my guan yin ma! I have not posted for 18 days?! Ok I've sinned. Amitabha.
Ok, let's have a less poetic, less emotional, less ambiguous writing for a change! Well... I'll be attending Pink Dot 2011 tmr! Along with Peng, Min, Lene, Lly and Roy. (Wow, it's been a while since I mentioned names in my posts, huh!)

Gotta don myself in pink, and haha, Ron and Eon made me wear this and this alone (with pants of course) to Pink Dot. But of course, I'm not gonna, and am wearing my sister's hoodie instead as suggested by Peng!

Ok anyway. I realize many, many, many do not realize what's pink dot event! I mean, Aani can think it's about breast cancer --> oh my god! To all readers... pink dot is an event as a healthy protest and support for the LGBT community. Lesbian, Gay, Bisexuals, Transgender. The tag line this year is Support the Freedom to Love, and I'll be there to give that support because I also believe in loving whoever you want and be loved by whoever you wished. Freedom to love, anyone.

The saddest thing, however, is that so many misconceptions about this act! Even by the LGBT community. Hmm, ultimately we have to realize that...

no one here is saying it is right to be L, G, B or T. It's just saying there is nothing wrong to be L, G, B or T.

Do you see the difference? There is a whole lot of difference between saying something is right and saying something isn't wrong. Hmmm... we'll see.

End; Pink yourself up!

Engraved

2011-05-30T22:55:00.002+08:00

What we have seen are what we have sinned. And whom we have sinned for and with are those we wished we have never met... or so it seemed. Yet those are also whom we are guilt-fully glad we have seen and seen beyond.

I know what I have and have not done must not be repeated. But I am not convinced myself, either. Because I will make the same mistake others have made, as which I am already suffering from. Other(s) has, and so have I, made myself the victim of their own wrongdoings. And I am completely letting myself repeat that shameful err. Have I not understood the chain of pain it can create? On others and also myself.

Tell me what to do. Or more importantly, tell me what not to do.

What am I about to sculpture out of myself because of pure angst, urge and impulse? The craftmanship to this sculpture is not resistance; it's not about how strong my will is to stop the carving. It's why I'm perfectly willing to continue the art of sculpturing. Not about the stop to this act, but about why I'm naturally flowing with the moulding.

Engraved with too much hate and so much love,
yikai

End; This kind of thing is really quite complicated.

Goofy

2011-05-25T01:02:00.001+08:00

Just act goofy lor.

End; Always helps.

Pretend

2011-05-15T12:28:00.005+08:00

Because we are actors, we act like none had happened.
As simple as that.
Honesty is the best policy, and so is pretence .
But at different times, my dear.

End; Nevermind lor.

Than expected

2011-05-04T22:38:00.003+08:00

Words are out. feelings are clear. Finally.
Anticipated the truth to be harder than expected.
But it always leaves me feeling I could have been more prepared.

Harder than expected.

Harder than expected.

Harder than expected.

Than expected.

Unexpected.

End; 5 days and you will be back.

Mood Good

2011-05-02T01:44:00.002+08:00

I like how my mood has improved so much lately, probably since this week.
See, I'm acting cute to its full potential in photographs :D

Seriously, haha. It's the last, it's the last!

End; Good has mood, mood is good.

Suddenly

2011-04-27T01:16:00.005+08:00

I'm so stuck on this old, old song and video. I never liked this singer because she's all cocky and has terrible pronunciation. But I'm so, so stuck on this video.

End; Pierced.

Bored

2011-04-24T22:42:00.009+08:00

It's a small thing, and nothing much to dwell and mull over.

But who can listen to what I mean of my disappointment - over the decision made on thurs. I'm not even all grievance over the choice, but I suppose it's one of those feelings you'd then decide to let it pass? What a waste. Half the people who hears the news, will go 'chey'. But hey, I really did want this. And I know everyone is surprised I did.

Moving on... Tmr's the start of another long week! I'm really just so glad that friday's off school. All the boring modules, and what struck me most is... I'm really dedicating my entire life to DADP now! No more CTPP; not so much of CASS club anymore; also the end of my temporary working life with end of the last show done. Everything else outside has ceased to a stop and only my diploma is waving to me. Summarized into a word: Bored. Ok, I really have to find something else outside this circle. Must.

I know FYP's a big thing, but dude, it still doesn't need my entire life dedication. Someone find me a something-to-do!

Take a look at the photo I found. Haha, smart! A depiction of the existence and absence of colours in people's life. Humourously insulting to the subject of focus in that photograph, and painfully relate-able to my life right now. Yikes.

End; But I also believe my feelings of boredom originates from another source.

My Aperture

2011-04-21T00:13:00.011+08:00

The focus is wrong.

My own aperture - it's narrow, but not closed.
For I am not yet myself. And a mirror always tells me so. But hey, there is nothing erreneously wrong, because I am only taking the test of whom I may be.

It's time I close the aperture, but I just wouldn't. No, not me; my stubborness wants a reply. First.

Why am I the Bokeh in this photo?

End; Because the focus is wrong.

2011-04-15T00:42:00.004+08:00

Silly Lily and Stupid Cupid are very good friends.
But they are just too dumb to realize each other's existence.

2011-04-14T10:52:00.006+08:00

It gave me lots of answers.

Shy

2011-04-12T11:23:00.016+08:00

I have a secret to share

Shy, but it can't wait to be revealed
And freed
Cheers and Love

End; Now, lean over.

It's Breathing To Me

2011-04-11T02:24:00.008+08:00

Naivety. Unexpected bitter fruits of realizations; and lack thereof.

Lies. It's breathing to me.

Naivety, not. Ascended upon the secrecy of my own portrait.

Secrets. It just can't stop coming to me. It is coming, to me. Coming to me, it is.

Hide; Deny; Lie.

Lies. It's breathing to me.

End; But still naive.

Flux

2011-04-06T13:13:00.010+08:00

Nobody realizes. Thankful, because it wasn't the credit of a well-festooned mask that covers up. I know I look the happiest during meet-ups, events and outings. Which is true, and each time I laughed I meant it, and I felt lifed.

But on the train rides home, on the bus rides home, on the few hours before I start to close my lids and dream, I ponder, think and delve into my own quiet thoughts. I sometimes stop myself form doing so, but at times, I let it be. Or rather, it just keeps coming and coming.

Yet, this flux of emotions is changing me and my days. I am, to be painfully honest, confused about my feelings for everything else in life. I can't describe, at all, how I feel right now. Yet, for all I know, I just can't sit still.

Shameful. I am almost scared to fight this alone, and I can't, I can't, I can't help but ask where have my few friends been? It feels like... it has been thrown to me to handle alone.

Someone, please, tell me what to do.

But don't worry, I'm sure the next time any of you see me, I'd still be laughing and be the one person who can't stop talking. And not because I'm faking it or forcing it, but probably the favourite times of my days now are outside, with family; with friends. It even made all the difference to go out for 5min and get some bloody fresh air :)

Has anyone else been as sick as I am - of being an adolescent who gets too fucking emotional? Fucking frontal lobe, please develop to guide me now!

I am almost tempted to close a chapter, without even trying. Almost wanted to say it. Out.
But no, I didn't.

Of everything I can hope for? I just wish the school can start off fresh and much more anticipated than how I feel right now. That the four can get back as usual. That I can make a fucking decision on my relationship. And that I be prepared and even excited for fyp and 4/5 other (really) boring modules.

And to those who are reading this, thankyou for visiting the blog, and don't worry, I still do have the energy to say 'yes, let's go.' But, sigh!

Why do I have to fight to lead normal days and a normal life?

End; I think I need to pray.

Hello

2011-04-04T18:16:00.002+08:00

You see. Arts from the past... People actually allowed Teacher-Student relationship to be romantic and a story to go 'aww' and 'oohhh' for. But now when you see it, it's like... #@$%!@#$! Seriously!

But you gotta love the song.

End; Quaintly True

Yes, let's go

2011-04-01T01:08:00.006+08:00

Was just wondering...
where has that energy escaped to?

If there's one thing time and age has taken away from me, it must be vitality. Becoming lazier for 'let's go' moments, and sometimes I choose to 'give it up' over 'pick it up'. Gawd, I feel

OLD

and in actual fact, I'm still only 18. Haha! Hmm, it's not all from a negative perspective, though. It somehow created a more thoughtful self, which I do appreciate.

But hey dude, you gotta pick yourself up for more upcoming adventures!

Yes, let's go.

End; Kind of missed being a GL

Hakuna Matata

2011-03-30T00:38:00.003+08:00

Messed up my room with an intention to re-arrange. Things.
Just packed everything up! Everything back up into it's original positions.
Because maybe it's not time for a change yet.

But it feels great to be in a neater environment again. The previous week had been great and had been foul; but it got me thinking so fucking much I can explode. Gaboom!

Had been on a journey of social withdrawal (ahem, as mentioned in my previous post) which took a toll on my academic results. Resolved the issues and went on a spiritual vacation or rather, as my lecturer would describe, "Yikai's back from the Moon!" So all was well. But lately, the same feeling was back, hungry for more haunting.

It was all right :) I made myself go out and hang out with friends and classmates to keep those haunting thoughts away and it worked great. So it wasn't that bad! Thanks, friends.

And the last week, got me thinking about friends, relationships, beyond friends, theatre and my life; and all. I REALLY GOTTA TAKE LIFE EASIER. So let's stop pondering for now yep!

And I took a photo for what my friend says was a sign from God. (But I'm Buddhist, so maybe it was from Guan Yin Ma).

Hey dear, everything will be all right; we will all be :)

End; Let's lead a life called Hakuna Matata.

3.67

2011-03-22T22:40:00.007+08:00

3.67

Yes, got my results!

3.67 for the boy who barely worked hard this semester. Now, before you start thinking I'm gonna rant and be all whinny-ly guilty of my lack of effort - I'm not; I don't whine please.

3.67, to be honest, is not my standard. (Yep, so what if I'm cocky?) It is the lowest I had in 2 years. What bothers me most is the risk of slipping off the roll and the chance to fall below another benchmark. I never considered that, actually; but now the truth hits you like a... tsunami.

Even more so, I never realized that it would have taken a toll on me, this seriously - this academically seriously. A month or 2 back, I've been down and withdrawn from the all the best things in life because of really personal issues. I was never able to gauge the severity of my own social withdrawal, until a lecturer came and asked the golden question 'are you all right?' And now, even more apparent is the slip in my results that shouts in my face "you were NOT all right!"

I am not entirely surprised by my own results, and in fact, quite thankful I managed something still considered 'above average'. Yet, one can't help to feel regretful for the effort that was never sacrificed during the assessment periods. Too caught up in the world of dejection. I just didn't realized this severity.

Hey, but all is done and no point dwelling over (pukes) academic subjects. Not worth. And at the very least, I did put in my best. Was not in the best state of mind to hit the mark for every assessment, but hey, I really did push the most ability out of me! Haha, thinking back, I did miss The Rocky Horror's show after I surrendered 2 days to distractions and thoughts right?

End; I'm glad I did my best.

Exit

2011-03-20T23:40:00.004+08:00

This toughest period of time I've just walked out,
has somehow found it's way back;
hungry for more haunting.

Please drain away this toughest memory.

End; But don't worry, haha, I'm all right :)

I only wish I can be more prepared

2011-03-19T20:36:00.012+08:00

I think

Sensitivty is no longer a trait I'm sure of myself;
Neither is tact a proud strength of mine.

I'm really still trying to get to know this person I always thought I knew for the past 18 years. But so many circumstances have changed my concept about him or me; and these are the cause, and effect, of my own senseless nature.

End; I only wish I can be more prepared.

There is something...

2011-03-15T19:55:00.007+08:00

You know, sometimes - just sometimes - you simply don't know where to go; and who to face.

Titled: Haha

Because
There is something...

I want to say but I haven't, because I cannot bear to let us end.

I want to do but I haven't, because I fear the unbearable silence we will hear.

I want to ask but I haven't, because I just... don't know how to!

I want to join but I haven't, simply because I really have no money.

I really want to buy... and I did!

So maybe. It's time to complete the rest of the haven'ts. Leave less regrets; 遗憾? Then can you or you or you bear what with what I'm afraid of? You know, just so I can... move on!

End; Maybe I should throw a dice?

To be with you

2011-03-08T01:15:00.007+08:00

Listen to this.

A broken heart can't be that bad

When it's through;
it's through
Fate will twist the both of you

Let me be the one to show you

I'm the one who wants
to be with you
Deep inside;
I hope you feel it too
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next

To be with you

Thank you to the girl with the nicest eyes, for sharing this cornball song :)

End; Already next in line?

I hurt myself on the abs

2011-03-06T00:37:00.022+08:00

I hurt myself on the abs while learning diving.

An awesome day at Bukit Pangjang - a place where nobody lives.

Started the day off with awesome Macs breakfast with the first soul who resides in Bkt Panjang. Made me realized: macs really expensive these days! Really! Why the hell? Spent $7 on breakfast, not to forget it was only a single meal. Sigh, cheeseburgers and and egg mcmuffins are burning my pocket!

SO. I was supposed to meet my class at Hazel Park Condo. I took around... say, 5 years? to find that place. Only because... doesn't any single soul exist in Bkt Panjang?! It really is 鸟不生蛋的地方! I wanted to ask for directions and at the same time looking for a dustbin to throw my iced milo - and I could find neither! But still, amazed by my own directional capability, I found the main entrance of...

Hazel Park Condo, where I met the second soul, Zhan, who resides in Bkt Panjang, and the rest of the class.

The purpose for the day was to celebrate Zheng's 19th bday!!

Went downstairs to swim (sorry I was late, everyone!) and oh. my. god. the poolSSS were damn awesome, but seriously, why would one condo need so many pools?

Chen tried to learn swimming basics, while some of us such as Li, myself and Muhammad tried to learn diving - all from Coach Lin! Just you watch people, just you watch, I will master the art of it. The laugh of the day might be Muhammad, me and Zheng trying to kick off to see who reach the furthest. But we gave up on that because we just couldn't decide which is the right way to kick. Haha! Ok not so funny...

Fought for the shower at Zhan's home with other 12 people (urgh). Had pizza! Watched movies on dvd. (Shit, I feel I'm starting to find recounting a day's event boring)

After lazing aroud and watching Shrek 4, everyone on the sofa bed started touching each other and snogging around. We had the time of our lives making out with one another, and that made the day so eventful and memorable. Muhammad even went to the extend of groping Chen's butt, I mean... youngsters nowadays~ Zhuang even did a sexy dance on the sofa - you have never seen her wilder than that!

You believed?

Then took the train home and we lived happily ever after. I think I sound bored. And the following is the proudest photo I took of the day! Ok ok, I'm not being sarcastic, the photo is really quite nice technically and aesthetically, isn't it?

PS/ this is the one without the pimples ok... shhhh...

End; We are all getting older.

IWANTTOHOLDYOURHAND

2011-03-02T11:42:00.008+08:00

IWAN

TTOH

OLDYOURHAND。

End; I think you won't understand.

How quaint!

2011-03-01T11:59:00.001+08:00

whyQuaintly True ?

Because

I'm in love

with everything that's just plain old.

I want to hold your hand

Boogie Wonderland

Ugly Christmas Sweater or Cardigan

I've Had The Time of My Life

Ugh, I'm really in love with old things. But I guess it'd just a phase I'm going through and maybe I'll move on to something else. Or somebody else.

Quaintness is true, because everything that survived from the past till now means it's been through something. Old things never lie.

Right?

End; Quaintness is true.

Guess who's back.

2011-02-28T11:56:00.001+08:00

Guess who's back.

Contemplation; Hesitation.

Yours truly is back, strong and feisty.

Welcome.

So okay, maybe - just maybe - I will really come back for public blogging. Well, I haven't exactly withdrew myself from blogging. I'm really still updating my personal, private, darkest (haha yea literally dark blog skin) blog. Gasp! Yikai, Seriously? Uh-huh~ I know you are shock because I told you I will delete it, but what's the point? Why would anyone throw away a diary. Eh, new blog skin some more leh.

Okay, I'm back blogging here with a purpose. I have a lot of thoughts and I want to put them somewhere aside from my amygdala or hipppocampus because the neurotransmitters can get quite screwed up sometimes.

I remember... During this TIE rehearsal, I could finally accessed blogger.com using my com after many failures at home and I was excited to come back here blogging! I was... kind of overwhelmed, as I remembered. Because at that point of my life, I was blogging furiously in my quiet wordpress.com and I just thought: how could I have let 'blogging' turn into such an act of depression; instead of a recount for my daily events.

Blogging was really fun. So I'm back!

Anyway, I realized my previous blogging style had been way toooooo mindful about the readers! Thus, I'm setting rules (haha no la, just some mental reminders) to my writing style this time.

I will be using ambiguity and anonymity. Readers, you will be anticipating words like 'you', 'he' or 'she'. Most times, I will probably use words that suggest the person as mentioned but I will not use real names, so maybe names like ALee or Chen or Long or HX. This is so I can feel like I'm a column writer! Okay okay, actually, these initials will be understood but only by him/herself and the people around. Well ok, it just gives me more freedom, ok?
I don't care about readers anymore. I'm sorry! But this time I'm clear, I'm writing for the sake of myself. So, apologies first. There might be occasions where I will write something you have no idea what I'm talking about, well you can ask me, but I will no longer attempt to write coherently for the audience's sake. But yep, as friends, I will always answer your question. unless otherwise stated.
I suddenly don't feel like blogging again.
I can't decide what I want to blog about. Daily events? Thoughts? Lyrics? Contemplation. Well, everything!
Uhm, I'm getting really bored.
Oh and. Unlike the previous postS, I think I've changed to a much less cheerful person. Haha! So if you read these now and read back, you're gonna experience a much more youthful, nonsensical author in the old posts. In contrary, now when you read these current posts, you may or may not find it 'emo' and possibly BORING but I think I'm much less optimistic now - it's no longer one of the adjectives I use to describe myself! Maybe it's just an adolescent phase of emotional disturbance I'm facing - which should end in about 6 months time! I'll grow out of it, can't wait! Ha!
I'd probably post only 2 posts MAX per week I guess?

Well, sit back and enjoy reading my deepest thoughts, my dearest friends.

End; Love isn't exclusive. Share.

You've got to be!

2009-11-21T23:01:00.008+08:00

Last Week a few things happened, here and there. and it's worth a post!

Monday - I skipped ACT lesson, because very lazy. Sorry Su, if any chance u get to see this blog. HAHA!

Tuesday - Amanda's Birthday! Didn't really take a lot of photos, so guess I'd post them on the blog instead, otherwise so funny to post less than 10 photos in one album on fb.

Happy Birthday MANDA!

Wednesday - Skipped my GEMS lesson! *slap ur face ar yikai, skip so many lessons! Then stayed back to help Shahira at her bizarre booth, and did DIEAS *yawn

Thursday - dressed smartly to school yo! Because is IDEAS presentation, although it is informal, but our topic was on "how to increase the number of SP students dressing appropriately to school", and imagine the presenter dressing in pasar malam clothes?

Anyway, I want to post the photos of the presentation but it's with shahira. Hmm, I'm quite happy with what we did! Ya we kinda fell into the B/C range as Ms Joy said, but I'm not very sad la. Because we REALLY did our best and that's too good to be true!! Hi-Fi, Team Chronicles!

Friday - DADP's hottest BABE Priiya invited us to her Mr and Ms SP contest! Woah, the event was pretty glam and formal kind of thing. My batt was running low :( So didn't take a lot of photos, but using the amount of batt I had left, I barely took any clear or nice photos because Vaani, you were walking so fast on stage! Here's some of the rare nice ones!

Oh, this was one of the things we did while waiting for the event to begin! We were really bored. Anyway, we screamed the hell out of ourselves to support you leh priiya! We are so proud of you that you got 3rd place!!! I'm so proud that my "loyal wife" is in MS SP WOAH! woohoo! So pretty ar you! hahaha!

-THE END-

Sleep - Anytime, Anywhere

2009-11-01T14:43:00.003+08:00

Sleep - Anytime, Anywhere

YAY I just came back from CASS Halloween Party!! ok, in fact, I was back home yesterday morning. Anywhere, details and pictures of the event... soon ok soon. Just... not yet. I should be doing homeworks NOW!

By the way, just something really funny to share with you, readers. The Party really drained the whole out of me... So sleeping was the first thing on my mind the whole day! I really grabbed every chance to sleep you know! The following all happened on Saturday.

1. 30 min before going out for dinner at AMK Hub (all ready - bathed, changed etc), was on the sofa watching TV, still... fell asleep.

2. On the way to AMK Hub, traffic jam until no tomorrow, and it was raining hell heavily! Fell asleep, again.

3. FANNIEST this one. Oh this one was saturday morning. Vaani and I were heading to Hougang Mall for Breakfast after the party, taking the NEL line lahhh... I actually occupied two seats to sleep (since no one else was around). We were both sleeping laaa, then suddenly Vaani woke me up telling me the train was reaching Seng Kang station (2 stops after Hougang stn). Ok, so we perked ourselves up and alighted at Seng Kang stn to take the other train back to Hougang. Thing was, we very quickly realised that we WERE on the train to Hougang. Aiya, you all get it or not? We slept until the train bounced back!

Train line:
-------- Hougang -- Buangkok -- Seng Kang -- Punggol Terminal

haha! Meaning, we were sleeping so soundly, we literally missed 3 stops! In fact, 4 stops, because we only woke up when the train was travelling from Punggol to Seng Kang. SO FUNNY la! Never did this before, you can see how tired we were...

-THE END-

Cleaners, not Maids!

2009-10-29T21:03:00.003+08:00

Cleaners, not Maids!

WAH SP got happenings one okay, don't anyhow say! Even in FC6, there's a something to see! Ok, I shan't appear to be too happy about it, because it was a quarrel or a fight that occurred.

Aiya, don't really know what happened la, but then got one pink color top auntie cleaner was shouting at a green color shirt male student (not me ok!). Then after that, a GREY color cleaner auntie came to make peace between them and yay all was well, or we thought. Then the PINK auntie continued doing her job of clearing the plates, at the same time, complaining at 200dB to anyone she can turn to. LePing was one of them, and then I walked to her to help her (I know you're very grateful, LePing :D ) by telling the auntie nvm. Oh yes, the auntie ar, kept saying the guy in green over there the guy in green over there. So weird la, any idea what color I was wearing today?!

ok anyway, so she sort of simmered down later. Then! one of her frens (another auntie cleaner) came to help her talk to the guy in green over there. Aiya, then turn out to be a heated argument mannnnnn! We decided that this 2 aunties are from the same clique because they were wearing the same PINK. And once again, the GREY auntie came to mediate (omg! I just love her!!) All was well.

Anyway, I really love all the aunties in FC6 okay. I always say thanks to them when they help us clear our plates. If that guy in green over there really did say something wrong to the auntie, then FUCK HIM la. But it might a misunderstanding, since all SP students are kind and polite.

-THE END-