Quaintly True

Y i K a i

Flux

Wednesday, April 06, 2011 ( 1:13 PM )

Nobody realizes. Thankful, because it wasn't the credit of a well-festooned mask that covers up. I know I look the happiest during meet-ups, events and outings. Which is true, and each time I laughed I meant it, and I felt lifed.

But on the train rides home, on the bus rides home, on the few hours before I start to close my lids and dream, I ponder, think and delve into my own quiet thoughts. I sometimes stop myself form doing so, but at times, I let it be. Or rather, it just keeps coming and coming.

Yet, this flux of emotions is changing me and my days. I am, to be painfully honest, confused about my feelings for everything else in life. I can't describe, at all, how I feel right now. Yet, for all I know, I just can't sit still.

Shameful. I am almost scared to fight this alone, and I can't, I can't, I can't help but ask where have my few friends been? It feels like... it has been thrown to me to handle alone.

Someone, please, tell me what to do.

But don't worry, I'm sure the next time any of you see me, I'd still be laughing and be the one person who can't stop talking. And not because I'm faking it or forcing it, but probably the favourite times of my days now are outside, with family; with friends. It even made all the difference to go out for 5min and get some bloody fresh air :)

Has anyone else been as sick as I am - of being an adolescent who gets too fucking emotional? Fucking frontal lobe, please develop to guide me now!

I am almost tempted to close a chapter, without even trying. Almost wanted to say it. Out.
But no, I didn't.

Of everything I can hope for? I just wish the school can start off fresh and much more anticipated than how I feel right now. That the four can get back as usual. That I can make a fucking decision on my relationship. And that I be prepared and even excited for fyp and 4/5 other (really) boring modules.

And to those who are reading this, thankyou for visiting the blog, and don't worry, I still do have the energy to say 'yes, let's go.' But, sigh!

Why do I have to fight to lead normal days and a normal life?

End; I think I need to pray.